The Curse of Love
by CelticFairee
Summary: Caldina tries to gain the love of someone special; not sure of how to react to a regection she suffers in silence, until she decides that it's over CalX?
1. My pain

Disclaimer: I, Death Pixie, Own nothing of Magic Knight Rayearth, Clamp is the one that owns this. I do, however, own this story line and plot.  
  
The Curse of Love  
  
I sighed looking at how he fawned over her, Umi, the magic knight of water. I could tell why; Umi was beautiful! I had light pink hair, Umi had long locks of watery blue hair, reaching just past her waist; my eyes plain blue, yet her eyes; her eyes were crystal blue with a stubborn fire inside them. I was tall; taller then Ascot and Umi was just below him, though I can't see why height might matter. Yet still, he fawned over her, even though she was in love with the Master Mage Clef, this didn't matter, no nothing mattered to him; he loved her and never gave me a second glance.  
  
"Caldina, hello? Caldina? CALDINA!" I was shaken out of my dream world to see Hikaru looking at me intently, "See Fuu! I told you that she wasn't dead!" her hyperactive little voice somewhat cheered me out of my stupor.  
  
I smiled, "Hikaru, I was never dead, just thinking about something," laughing I added, "how long have you been trying to gain my attention?"  
  
Hikaru and Fuu looked at me as though I was insane; "you mean to say," Fuu stated after a moment, "that you haven't heard any of this conversation, Miss Caldina?" My shaking my head made the answer apparent that I hadn't paid any attention to what she said, "Miss Caldina, what are you doing then? Miss Hikaru and I were speaking to you for over an hour now. Miss Caldina? Miss Caldina? Are you listening?" Fuu sighed and, shaking her head, walked away.  
  
I looked on at Ascot, my gaze not wavering again, until dinnertime. All through dinner I stared across the table, looking at the one I admired, the one I loved more then life itself, I just stared at him, yet he didn't notice me, he looked on, toward Umi no doubt. I thought it quite hard to believe that Umi never once noticed the way that she was most lucky, she never noticed Ascot.  
  
After dinner, Ascot walked up to me—I put on a brave face—and asked me a question that made my heart stop; though not showing such weakness, "Caldina...umm, well I was wondering if...umm...maybe you could help to get Umi to notice me? You don't have to of course, but..." I looked at him with my usual expression, well usual lately; monotone.  
  
"Sure Ascot," I found myself saying, "I'll help you! Where do you want to start?" for the impact, I played a smile across my face.  
  
Ascot looked at me graciously, "thank you Caldina! You're the best! I was thinking that maybe you could suggest to Umi that we might go out on a date maybe get to know each other, does that sound okay?"  
  
I merely nodded at him; slightly exited that Ascot might take more notice in me, though also a bit forlorn that it had to do with dating tips for him and Umi. 


	2. My hearteake

I must comply with laws of royalties and create a disclaimer, ok, I announce that I do not own Rayearth, I do own the plot story line and most to do with that, oh, and I do not own the song I am using in this chapter.  
  
NOTE: Caldina will be very OOC (out of character) in the rest of this fan fiction, and most of the others will be the same.  
  
The Curse of Love: Chapter 2  
  
It's easier to go replacing this pain with something more  
It's so much easer to go, then face all this pain here all alone,  
  
'Smile and nod, just smile and nod,' I told myself as I listened to Ascot go on about how beautiful she is, I can't stand her name! I envy her so, I wish that for just one day I could know what it felt like to have the one that you love gush over you to someone else, I wish I was as pretty as her.  
  
Something has been taken from deep inside of me, a secret I've kept locked  
away no one can ever see, wounds so deep they never show, they never go away, like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played  
  
"—and Umi looks just like a—huh? Caldina? Caldina? Are you listening? Hello?" I looked up and saw a worried expression on Ascot's face, my heart just about floated away, "were you even listening to what I was saying?" I shook my head calmly, and truthfully, I could never lie to Ascot!  
  
If I could change, I would  
Take back the pain I would retrace every wrong move that I made I would  
If I could stand up and take the blame, I would  
If I could take all the shame to the grave  
  
"Sorry Ascot, I was thinking," before he could ask what I was thinking about, I changed the subject, not that it mattered, when he was thinking about her he never had time to think of anything else, "how was the beach with the others last weekend, you never did say anything about it?"  
  
If I could change, I would take back the pain I would  
Retrace every wrong move that I mad I would  
If I could stand up and take the blame, I would  
I would take all my shame to the grave  
  
He looked at me with a blush on his face and a goofy smile played across his lips, "well, I'd rather not say..." which implied that he was looking at her in a bikini. I couldn't stand it! It wasn't fair! Why couldn't he think about me? I mumbled something along the lines of, 'my head hurts, I'm going to go lay down,' and walked upstairs running into the one person that I did not want to see, Umi.  
  
It's easier to go replacing this pain with something more  
It's so much easer to go, then face all this pain here all alone,  
  
Umi smiled, "hi Caldina, I was on my way to find you! Do you want to go out to the market with me? Clef says that I shouldn't go alone, so I wanted you to go with me, is that okay?" wow, this girl talks a mile a minute!  
  
I shook my head, "no thanks," I couldn't say her name, "I don't fell too well," that should get her away!  
  
"That's too bad, another time then? Hey! Maybe tomorrow? That sounds good we'll go then, ok? Good," that sounded too final, I looked at her oddly, as she descended the remainder of the stairs.  
  
Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past, bringing back these  
memories I wish I didn't have, sometimes I think of letting go and  
never looking back, and never looking forward so they'll never be a  
past  
  
Later as I lay in bed all that I could think of was Ascot and her, she had no clue how lucky she was, nearly every man in Cefero was drooling over her, but that wasn't enough, no she had to get Clef to fall for her as Ascot had, she didn't care that Ascot was in—NO! I can't say it! I won't, it hurts too much. Perhaps, yes, perhaps this may help.  
  
If I could change, I would  
Take back the pain I would  
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would  
If I could stand up and take the blame, I would  
If I could take all the shame to the grave  
  
I got up and walked over to my vanity, there was the knife that Lafarga had given me; before he had cheated on me with some whore at a local tavern two years ago. I picked it up, brought it to my arm and smiled, I dug it slowly into my right arm—not my vein, just my arm—it hurt, but not nearly as badly as it hurt to see Ascot and her. I switched to my other arm, this time I made small cuts down my arm, a deep one on my shoulder. I then walked into the bathroom and turned on the water; making it scalding hot, I undressed and climbed in. I hissed, it was painful still but it washed away all the blood stopping my bleeding. After my shower, I got into a long-sleeve shirt and I pair of pants, and then went out of my room and down the stairs to dinner.  
  
If I could change, I would take back the pain I would  
Retrace every wrong move that I mad I would  
If I could stand up and take the blame, I would  
I would take all my shame to the grave  
  
~~~~~  
  
I walked into the dining room and it became quiet, it was obvious that they were talking about me; I sat at my normal place at the table, next to Clef; at the end of the table; and Hikaru. I filled my plate and ate silently, not meeting anyone's gaze, until, "Caldina, what's wrong?" Hikaru's voice rang out in the dining hall.  
  
I shook my head, "nothing's wrong Hikaru, why do you ask?" the look on her face stated that she knew that I was lying but she also knew that I did not want to be bothered, so she smiled weakly, gave me a pat on the back and continued eating.  
  
Once I finished eating I got up to leave, when I heard Clef say, "Caldina, remain here for a moment longer, I must speak to you," I sighed and nodded, sitting back down in my place.  
  
After about five minutes Clef finished eating and took me upstairs to his study, opening the door he said, "Caldina, tell me what is wrong, it won't leave this room, I swear, no matter what it is."  
Just washing it aside  
All of the helplessness inside  
Pretending I don't feel misplaced  
Is so much simpler then changing  
  
I shook my head again, "it's nothing really—"  
  
"Caldina, it isn't nothing, it can't passed off as nothing, you don't speak to people anymore, you hardy eat, I have to wonder if it has anything to do with Laf—"  
  
"NO! Don't you even say his name! It has absolutely NOTHING to do with him; I don't want to think about him at all!"  
  
It's easier to go replacing this pain with something more  
It's so much easer to go, then face all this pain here all alone,  
  
"Well then, if it has nothing to do with him then tell me what it does have to do with."  
Damn, he got me, "it has to do with Ascot, okay?"  
  
He looked surprised, "did Ascot do something to you?"  
  
"No, he didn't do anything," then I added almost silently, "anything but fall in love with Umi."  
  
"I think I understand; you are in love with Ascot, am I right?" I saw something flash across his face; sadness.  
  
"NO! I am NOT in love with him!" I panicked.  
  
"Yes you are, don't deny it, Caldina."  
  
It's easier to go  
If I could change, I would take back the pain I would,  
Retrace every wrong move that I made  
  
"FINE!" I stomped out of the room, heading down the hall towards my room, slamming the door I locked it, I then walked to my vanity picking up the knife that I had carelessly flung into it's sheathe. Once again I caused myself the pain and misery that has been going though me for the past two years, the betrayal that I felt when Lafarga got home that one day, the day that ruined my life.  
  
*Flash Back*  
  
"Lafarga? Where could he be?" I asked myself after searching the whole tavern. We went there to celebrate out anniversary, four years ago today was the day we met, the best day ever.  
  
As I walked home a heard some whores swooning over someone, I didn't think much of it, so I went home. I asked around the palace if they had seen Lafarga but they just shook their head, a few girls blushed and shook their heads clueless, but once again, I didn't really take note, not until later when he came home.  
  
It's easier to go  
If I could change, I would take back the pain I would,  
Retrace every wrong move that I made  
  
When he walked through the door, I smiled, for his back was turned, but my smile soon disappeared when he turned around, he had a whore so deep into a lip lock that he didn't even take any notice of me whatsoever. He dragged the girl up into a room—mine I realized later—and I followed as if waiting for him to take her out of the lock and tell me, 'surprise! April fools day!' but he never did, he just made out with her, in front of me, for I was in shock; unable to move from my place in the corner near my dresser. I watched, as if helpless, as he eagerly pulled of her clothing, and then his own, soon my eyes were too blinded by my tears to see anything else so I closed my eyes listening to the loud moans of pleasure coming from the bed. The bad that I could no longer call my own, I cried more as I opened my eyes to see him give her money, more then likely the money that I had given him before heading off to the bathroom, he said he was going to buy something extra special for us later. That's when I heard him say, "Same time tomorrow, May?" I saw her nod and dress slowly as she still made out with Lafarga.  
  
*End Flash Back*  
  
The knife dug deeper into my skin as I remembered it all, as I remembered how Ascot comforted me, I felt better, well until Umi came back anyway.  
  
It's easier to go,  
If I could change, I would  
Take back the pain I would,  
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would  
I would take all my shame to the grave  
  
~~~~~~  
  
The next morning I walked down the street to the same tavern, I walked inside, "give me your strongest Mr." the man behind the counter nodded, filled a glass, a small one, I shook my head and pointed to a pint- sized one, wordlessly. I saw his surprise and before he could ask I glared at him, again pointing to the pint-sized glass, this time he complied, "thanks Mr." I then added to myself, "well, this would be seven years, wouldn't it, Lafarga?" I took a swig, long and deep, I chugged it, down it went, one sip and it was gone, I handed it to the bartender again, and he refilled it and went to help another customer, as I sat drowning my miseries in brandy.  
  
I spent the day this way, until the bartender decided to shove a stick up his ass and say that they were out of what I was drinking, I knew they had more, the guy next to me just ordered—and received—that drink! Never the less I walked back home to the castle, running into Umi on the way inside.  
  
"Oh thank Selece! We couldn't find you anywhere! I swear, you had us so worried! I told them that you would have a good reason for being gone all day, I mean you really wanted to go on our shopping excursion today and—"  
  
"No Umi, I didn't actually," I hiccupped, "you decided who, what," hiccup, "when, and where, I never," hiccup, "agreed to it." She looked shocked as I walked upstairs into my room, my sanctuary and slammed the door; hard and loud.  
  
I moved quickly to my vanity, picked up the knife, slicing my arms once more, I hit the vein; slicing up my arm where the vein was located, I knew that my time would now be limited. Next, I walked into the bathroom, connected to my room, and pulled out a bottle of sleeping pills, I took a handful and, with water, swallowed them, I believe there were around twenty or so in the bottle, after all, it was a sample pack. I took most of the contents of the bottle, maybe fifteen; I lay down on my bed falling into a deep sleep—hopefully one from which I would never rouse.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~ WOW! This chapter was long, oh well; don't expect it all the time, after all, this was a cliffhanger.  
  
Note: I'd like to add that I am not suicidal nor do I cut myself, I just had an idea to write this, if you have any comments then please review, I'd like to hear them. Flames will be accepted and appreciated, perhaps even used to improve my story.  
  
Thank you to anyone who may have reviewed already. To those whom like my story: I am glad you like it, and in this chapter you will see why it was put into the tragedy section.  
  
-DeathPixie 


	3. My Scuicide

Once again, I must explain that I do not own Magic Knight Rayearth, and that Clamp owns it; yet the only thing I own is this measly computer, and a couple of randomly changing thoughts moving around in my messed up mind.  
  
I also do not own the song Tourniquet; this is owned my Evanescence.  
  
The Curse of Love: Chapter 3  
  
I woke up in a room that I didn't recognize, my arm was covered in bandages, I had an I.V. in my hand, It was obviously blood pumping into my arm. I looked around the room, everyone was there looking at me, Clef especially, he looked the most worried, though I didn't notice, I was too busy crying, I think that the others thought that I was happy because the moment that I yelled, "Why!? Why didn't you let me die!? I want to die!" they recoiled, as though they were afraid of me; of what I had become.  
  
I tried to kill the pain,  
But only brought more  
I lay dieing and I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal,  
I'm dieing, praying, pleading and screaming,  
Am I too lost to be saved?  
Am I too lost?  
  
I tried to get up, but Clef stopped me, "Caldina, you are not to leave this room, am I clear on that factor?" I didn't answer, I glared at him intently, I didn't care, what he didn't know was that this needle in my arm was good use to rip through the bandages on my arm, I was going to die, I didn't want to see Ascot look at her that way anymore, no I couldn't. "Caldina?" Clef said warningly, I sighed and nodded solemnly, "good, you won't always be alone, if you want some company then you can just call, I'll be sure that they will come."  
  
My god, my tourniquet  
Return to me salvation  
My god, my tourniquet  
Return to me salvation  
  
After everyone had gone, I called Ascot in to tell him, "Hi, Ascot, I don't expect you to feel the same, after all, I know that you are in love with Umi, so I'd like to tell you before you tell her your feelings, it probably won't change your mind, but I had to tell you. Ascot," I took a deep breath, getting ready for rejection, "I love you, and I have for a little over a year."  
  
Do you remember me, lost for so long?  
Will you be on the other side?  
Will you forget me?  
I'm dieing, praying pleading, and screaming  
Am I too lost to be saved, am I too lost?  
  
Well, here it was the one thing that I dreaded, "Caldina, I—I'm sorry, I'm in love with—" I cut him off, "Umi, I know, I said that I didn't expect any returned feelings, it doesn't matter," I shooed him out.  
  
My god, my tourniquet  
Return to me salvation  
My god, my tourniquet  
Return to me salvation  
  
~~~~~~~  
Later on that night, I heard a voice at the door, it was Ascot's; he was talking to someone, I listened closely, "Umi, I umm, I'd like to tell you that—that I uh, I—I am in lo—love with you, so..." he faded off, while I sat up in bed, crying of my woes. I never heard Umi's answer, I forgot to listen, I was busy, busy pulling out the needle, I got it out, and I jabbed it into my arm dragging it down once again. Once finished I lay down to receive death.  
  
I want to die!  
  
My god, my tourniquet  
Return to me salvation  
My god, my tourniquet  
Return to me salvation  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
Death came slowly, I knew that I could not turn around, even Clef could not bring me back after this much blood loss, I understood, I wanted to die, I liked the pain.  
  
My wounds cry for the grave, my soul cries for deliverance  
Will I be denied? CHRIST! Tourniquet, my suicide.  
  
~~~~~~~~~  
  
So what did you think? Well, thanks to the reviewers. I will have another chapter up ASAP 


	4. My Death

Disclaimer: I do not own anything of Rayearth, nor the depressing songs that I put into these fictions, so if you, by chance happen to track me down then please note that I did say that I did not own these works.  
  
The Curse of Love: Chapter 4  
  
As I closed my eyes I knew that it was all over, I was happy, not that I would finally have Ascot's attention, no; because my pain and suffering was over. I opened my eyes to look down upon myself, wow, if you didn't look carefully you might think that I was asleep, I looked up as I heard the door open; it was Clef. He walked all the way into the room, sat and took my hand, I heard him saying something, I listened closer, "—so I just wanted to say that I am in love with you, I suppose that I took the cowards way out though, telling you in your sleep. Oh well, no matter, I'll be right back with dinner," as he left I felt a pang of guilt hit me, for when they found out, they would be so hurt, crying even. I missed them, though I didn't miss the pain, I followed Clef out the door, and there was Umi, crying.  
  
"Clef, I heard you in there, and I just—I just—well, I would like to tell you how I feel, kind of a coincidence, huh? I mean you loving Caldina, Caldina loving Ascot, Ascot loving me, and me loving, well, me loving you," she faded off, I laughed, at the coincidence, she was right, and it was rather amusing. I listened more, "Well," she laughed," I'll go wake her while you get her some food, is that okay?" Clef nodded to her, and I watched as she walked in, trying to wake me, to wake me from a slumber I would never rouse, one that I had wished for, one that was finally my reality.  
  
I didn't hear more, I just left, I wandered for a long time, just going to and from the castle. I learned after a while that I could move things with my mind if I tried to, I would often write to them, though they never knew that it was me. About two years after my death, Clef died, Umi mourned most, I didn't know where he went but I did know that he did the same thing as me, he jumped, everyone thought that he fell, but I saw that he jumped; I wondered where he was off to, so I followed. Well, anyway eventually Umi and Ascot married, they had two beautiful children, I knew they all mourned the death of both Clef and me, but they would never know that I watched over them, and I'd never say.  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
Ok, that is the end, what do you think? Well?  
  
Ok, thank you to anyone who liked this and if you want a sequel, then I am sorry, this was finalized, as you may be able to see. So thank you again, and goodbye, I may write more.  
  
-DeathPixie 


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